Hello, dear friends. This is going to be a short one. I was reminiscing about the good old days when I was still young and good looking and could use sex to get what I want, and I remembered this one time I just had to share with the world.
Some time ago, I was with this guy – it doesn’t matter which one, there’ve been so many. We had been fighting about something. Doesn’t matter what, though, I think it had something to do with me tricking him into something or other. Anyhow, we hadn’t been having sex much lately because, let’s face it, even though I was cute I wasn’t all that great in bed after the 5th or 6th time – kind of repetitive, mundane. Well, being like so many other women who were raised by parents who just didn’t give a shit, I’ve always equated sex with love. And since the frequency of the sex had been declining that had to mean he didn’t love me any more.
So, one day, in an effort to re-affirm his love for me, I tried seducing him. It wasn’t working. I offered to “let” him do me anally. He wasn’t really into that but, like most men, he’s up for it because he knows it’s something most women don’t like. Unfortunately, we had no lube. And it wouldn’t have benefited either of us to pursue that avenue without lubricant.
I proposed to him a little Crisco (or whatever brand was in the kitchen). I caught a fleeting look of disgust across his face – ever so slight, but there nonetheless. It was quickly replaced with a look of disdain, like “How could I possibly ever respect a woman that would take it in the ass, with 100% vegetable oil, because she is too stupid and too emotionally stunted to separate love from sex?”. He agreed.
We did it. That’s right, kids, your mother proposed and proceeded with having anal sex, using cooking oil as a lubricant. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I think I got a rash or some kind of irritation from it. If I had any self respect, any shame at all, I would be disgusted with myself. But I don’t – so it’s all good. And anyway, I’ve done much worse over the years.
Next time I’ll tell you about the time I was living in my car, had unprotected sex with a guy I barely knew, and didn’t shower for days afterward. God, I’m a nasty skank.